Yes, we all live on 8 Mile. How’d you know?posted on Sept. 5, 2014, at 4:09 p.m.
1. “Cool, what part?”
Clearly you’ve never been here; this question doesn’t help you fake it.
2. “You know Eminem?”
Go read a book, dude. Eminem is the least of the talent that’s come from here.
3. “Don’t cut me!”
Because in middle school, after science and before math, we take shank-making class.
4. “Is it really that bad?”
Well there’s an Ebola outbreak and genocide in other places, but sure, Detroit is THE WORST PLACE YOU POSSIBLY COULD BE.
6. “Detroit, huh? It’s pretty fucked up out there.”
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you — your words are making my ears hurt. One of us should walk away now.
7. “I’m a Bills/Browns/Chargers fan, so I know how it is.”
We get it, we get it. Your football team sucks too, so we’re all in this together. You know ~exactly~ how it is to be from Detroit.
8. “I was watching this thing on the news one time…”
Never start a sentence this way. Nvr.
10. “I heard you can buy a house for $1!”
I’m so glad this fascinates you. Tell me again how our real estate market sounds like an excellent opportunity for exploitation.
13. “Oh yeah, I have folks in Detroit.”
Oh goodie! I do too… ‘cause it’s home.
14. “I bet you’re glad you got out of there.”
Couldn’t wait to flee from my family and friends!
15. “What is there to do in Detroit?”
The same stuff you probably do in your uncool little no-name hicktown. Except with style and flair.
16. “I went there once.”
Usually followed by a story about how they didn’t actually go there, but the plane landed “at the Detroit airport” and then they went to visit one of their “buddies” in a suburb somewhere.
18. “Oh yeah, I’m never going back there.”
There’s over 700,000 people still there (some by choice, some with nowhere else to go), trying to work, go to school, raise families, and make a decent living despite our current conditions. We’re a tough, resilient bunch who are about action, not talk. And we don’t run from our problems. So you can stay gone!
19. “So uh, Detroit… You think it’s gonna get any better?”
Imagine you are looking at the remains of your house, which was just destroyed in a tornado/hurricane/wildfire, and someone says, “Boy, that’s tough. … You think things are gonna get any better?” Wouldn’t you want to punch them in the throat?
And the answer to this, by the way, is yes.
